what I have to keep telling myself …

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be.  It’s the way it is.  The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference.”  Virginia Satir (American pioneer in family therapy.)

There are several readings, quotes, and theories about the ideals of living life with less or without any expectation, supporting the idea of fate.  That there is little-to-no deviation from what the general course of our lives will look like despite what we do or say.  On the other side, there are many whom could argue that our choices in fact dictate our actions and that we have total control of our experiences.  I can’t give you the answer, but in my truth (as I observe in several of life’s funny ways), I find a blend to these notions, neither of which is absolute in their sentiments.

From a very primal standpoint, reactions we have to circumstances may navigate our success in survivability.  Or, at the very least, next possible reactions to next possible circumstances.  (Consider:  fight/flight/freeze).  This balance gives us a real look into living more presently, acutely aware of our surroundings.  Living with this increased attention may even assist our parenting and understanding that our kids’ choices and reactions need to be just that:  their own.  Mindfully parenting though can be a significant challenge as we have become susceptible to the mass penetration of social media, “how-to” books and workshops, and the otherwise gauntlet of information steadily flowing at our inboxes.  Be it a first-time parent, or s/he who is looking to mix things up with their next kiddos:  exactly how are we to know what the right ways of raising children looks like?

I recently dove into Jessica Lahey’s, “The Gift of Failure:  How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go so Their Children Can Succeed.”  User-friendly, readable and relatable.  There is a lot of tolerable storytelling and healthy nuggets of suggestion.  She speaks eloquently and simply about the concept of making mistakes – not so to relinquish in the pains of one’s errors – but to thrive in their lessons.  As parents, we can help facilitate this by encouraging our child’s growth mindset, as compared to the fixed.  She highlights, “All praise is not equal.  ‘You’re a smart kid’ is very different from ‘You worked so hard on that French homework; it must have felt really good to have done well on that assignment.’  The first statement makes a judgment, and even if it seems like a positive and loving judgment, it has a negative effect on performance.  ‘You are smart’ judges and labels the person, not the product.  If I tell my son that he’s smart, I’m telling him that I value him for being smart, and he’s going to be a lot less likely to try things that might damage his ‘smart’ label, lest he fail, which, in his kid brain, could cause me to withdraw my love and approval.  However, if I tell him that I am proud of him for the effort he put into editing the short story he wrote last week, I am reinforcing behavior, not judging him” (p 62).

By helping navigate murky waters of challenging academic and/or social situations, we foster the kind of resilient and self-propelled advocates of our youth as they grow into young adults.  Aged (and still aging) now towards my own pursuits, I revel in the days when I can reflect on a misstep for another opportunity.  And, this is not to proclaim that nothing gets me down, or that I never question the reasoning behind barriers that slow my progress.  But I recognize that the act in saving myself through awareness or a repeated try is a truly remarkable gift in accountability of the choices and actions I have made, which lead me to eventual success.  (“success” also meaning:  a subjective and at times rather different end-goal than anticipated.)

Lahey also points out that accompanied with any habit-altering ways of parenting, this can be a dominant switch which requires deep effort and patience.  It’s not the time for passivity; note that stepping out of the way to support our kids’ experiences is by no means lackadaisical.  It takes a great deal of action and love to foresee and then watch them stumble.  And what’s more, here we arrive again questioning our position as an authoritative or protector in nearly helping them fall:  “We are expected to feel good about ourselves and our parenting as we raise our children naturally and intuitively, while poring over more parenting books and magazines than ever about how to raise smart and creative and empathetic children who practice piano on their own, sleeps nine hours a night, and play varsity soccer as freshmen…As we sift through the reams of parenting advice, we are left to strike our own balance between work and home, trust in our instincts, and trust in the experts.  Today, parenting is less oxytocin-soaked rosy glow, more adrenaline-fueled oncoming headlight glare” (p. 16).

So, the wrong ways in parenting?  Several.  The right ways?  Maybe even more.  I’ll find myself many nights settling into bed thinking about all the ‘what if’ options that could have occurred that day.  And then I realize that the very reflection on any experienced blunders helps me build up confidence in exploring and salvaging the next ones.  Create a support system of your fellow co-parents, neighborhood friends, teachers and experts in the field.  Listen to your children.  Honor their wishes.  Hold them accountable.  Ultimately trust your gut, and believe me when I say there is no cap on the timeframe of learning.  We are all aiming to grow, and developing our truest selves through the persistence and fluctuations of uncertainty.