Have ever you noticed yourself saying something like the following:
“I am so mad…and what’s worse is that I’m so mad at the fact that I am mad.”
“It was so disappointing to hear my own kid say that about our house, when there are so many things about our life that others don’t have.”
“Every time I think I’ve hit a stride, I wind up back here, feeling like I struggle.”
Sound familiar? Ever find that something you say seems to contradict with another? What if you had the permission in the apparent contradiction to actually have such sentiments co-exist?
From that first statement: Let’s explore this idea of “being mad” as an inherent negative. From where did this mindset originate? Was feeling upset not allowed in your early/childhood home or experiences? What other feelings weren’t allowed?
From the second statement: My older child is 7. We’re absolutely in the throes of her attending school and interacting with peers who (for example) financially share a wide range of experiences. Some families we know have less than, some more. My daughter and our family celebrate Christmas. We will choose to decorate or gather with other family to a certain extent, which will look different than some of her friends. If she comes home from school one day and utters a complaint to me that we didn’t get our tree early enough, or begs for certain gift, I’ve noticed I need to slow my reaction to ponder: Is this greed or desire to belong? Is this obliviousness to our opportunities or a 2nd-grader’s capability of understanding?
For the third one: Here’s the deal – it’s all practice. Repetitive, and earnest. Practice makes practice.
What I am getting at here, is that of course we have ebbs & flows in life. This is something we ‘know’ of in our minds and hear aplenty thanks to marketing efforts and romantic comedies that show some side-splitting monstrosity followed up by cheesy soundtracks and famous actors kissing a soft, hazy background.
‘Knowing’ this in our minds, is a very different experience than feeling it in our hearts. To embody these co-existing efforts is, often, tiresome.
~ You can feel mad, simply because you feel mad. As much as you can feel happy or sad or ____ because you feel happy or sad or ____. You do not need to wrap yourself in a shame cycle for feeling any specific kind of way.
~ Your kiddo can feel disappointed that her holiday is spent differently, as much as you can remind her that she is a Human, and that there is similarity in that with her peers, too. Her call(s) for attention might manifest in different ways, and likely has less to do with the “stuff” in or not in your home, and more with the fact that she’s seeking validation in this life.
~ You can make progress which is non-linear. (Most of it probably will be). This is typical. Some moments or minutes or days will feel light and benevolent. Some will feel the opposite. Sometimes your moments and minutes and days will contain a mix of the two (or several). This is still typical.
Maybe your practice is an awareness and building up of tolerance to things coexisting. Your practice may be noticing without judgment. Observing without discernment. Recognizing without defining a “why.” It might be brand new, so start small. The next time that you feel something which you usually perceive as a negative, simply state to yourself what you feel. Or simply verbalize how it might feel – give it some texture or sensory-related identifiers. Maybe you come up with just one way to describe it. (Eg: sharp, hot, dull, thick, scratchy, cold, loud, dense . . . )
Start with 1. Eventually many things will be able to be recognized.
Lots of things co-exist. Take a look at our planet! And I will be here for more ideas and tools if you are so interested in collaborating. Be kind and be well.