Author: embodyedtides

While I’m not a big believer of New Year resolution-making (due to the high volume of unreasonable expectations we seem to place on ourselves), I do believe in creating goals.  I also believe that any time we meditate with a guide (via an app, person, or mantra), utilize visualizations, recite affirmations, or write journal entries, we employ necessary Action Steps – be them large or small – which ultimately support us reaching goals with greater ease. 

Sometimes, the simplest step towards a goal includes a shift in our perspective on it.  Ever tried the powerful modification from “I have to” to “I get to,” with regards to tasks/jobs/responsibilities?  Haven’t heard of it?  Give it a try for a few weeks!  Example:  When you are preparing for work (even on the eve of what I have recently heard are called the ‘Sunday Scaries’), say out-loud to yourself: “I get to go to work tomorrow.  I get to earn money to support myself and/or my family.  I get to use my able-body and walk across this parking lot into the store.”

Point being, that culling gratitude in our lives is both vital and requires action.  If you find it difficult, I promise that like most things, over time, it will get easier!  It will remain, however – forever – an action–oriented choice.  Just like brushing our teeth is technically a decision we make, it feels more like habit as we have been doing it for decades.  Habits eventually become more natural.  More Innate. 

Clients will sometimes reveal that they “know” (while pointing to their head) that gratitude and thankfulness are actions they can use to support growth in other ways.  Just like many of us “know” (tapping our finger to our heads) on an intellectual, cognitive level, that certain things support our wellbeing (such as plenty of water, sleep, and movement).  Translating this “knowing” to feeling it in our hearts and following through on steps can be a barrier difficult for many to overcome.  But fear not – it does not need to remain impossible!

Even if appreciation is not your immediate goal – I hope you can apply these tips towards any goal of your choosing.  (Which feel most helpful for you?):

1. Say Thank You to the Universe.  Saying ‘Thank You’ to the Universe is something I am consciously working on during 2019.  Specifically, I am aiming to have it be the first thing I say in the morning, and the final thing I say as I go to bed.  This offering is something many ascribe to throughout their practices of daily living and gratitude, and it can be essential to supporting the goal-setting process.  Whether you want to be mindful of how you communicate with your spouse, establish a movement routine for your body, or increase the time you spend with friends, saying ‘Thank You’ can equate to recognizing our contentment in life.  It fulfills in that we are honoring what we currently have and who we currently are, instead of seeking outwardly.  We say Thank You to celebrate ‘enoughness.’  In Yogic philosophy, such contentedness is known as ‘Santosa.’
   
   
2. Write Down – and Describe – Your Goal.  It does not technically have to be in writing, but I strongly encourage any of us to make a creative, brain-to-paper effort of organizing our goals.  You might feel more artistic and set up a visual of your dream by drawing or painting.  It could be logically structured by way of a bulleted list, a creation of Ven diagram, or even with an Excel document (thinking of one of my sisters on this one).  Describing the goal from a future-oriented standpoint is helpful.  Include details about the emotions you wish to feel as you have achieved your goal.  Mike Dooley speaks to this in his book, Infinite Possibilities.  Example:  “I embrace a sense of calm and peace around family, thanks to my daily meditation practice.”
   
   
3. Backtrack from your Goal with Action Steps.  Like any physical exercise program, so must the mind endure training preparations so that visualizing and additional goal-setting can work well.  Consider that Action Steps are like reps at the gym, which you use to build up muscular strength (only in this case, the muscle is your mind).  The more steps you include, and the more focused you become on climbing those smaller steps, the greater the likelihood that your subconscious seeds become fruits of reality.  Example:  “My goal is to build ideal boundaries with my in-laws.  Action Step – read a book about boundaries; Action Step – practice boundary-affirming language and actions with friends who can offer me healthy feedback.”
   
   
4. Celebrate Your Wins.  I find this one essential!  And, be mindful that a “win” does not need to be measurable by anyone’s standards except you.  That is, someone’s view of your progress is less important (unnecessary, really) than your own heartfelt connection to moving along your journey.  Now, it certainly can be valuable to share your experience with others – be you’re your celebrations along the way, or your goal that’s achieved – it feels good to share our growth!  At the same time, know that you don’t owe anyone an update.  Remember that progress is not often linear, so honoring the evolution will be important.  Example:  “I am so grateful for my win; I shifted language around boundaries.  I am learning to understand that ‘No’ is a complete sentence.  I do not have to commit extra time with ( ____ person) simply because they say they need me.”
   
   
5. Close the Door on Self-Judgement.  Goal-setting isn’t always easy!  Especially if it’s a new one, or one that you’ve attempted before.  Cycles of our inner dialogue can quickly spiral into the negative.  I find the simplest way of deactivating my self-judgment is to be curious with myself.  Asking questions like “When can I find the time to write this week?” around a journaling goal is much kinder than, “I can’t believe I haven’t written for more than 5 days.  I’m such a failure.”  Frame words around your goal-setting in the same way you’d encourage a loved one.  If there’s doubt in your progress, become aware, and instill a sense of comfort by remembering your own humanness.  Example:  “It’s been such a full week of work, I realize it was more challenging to make time for my desired workouts.  I am confident that I can create a system over the next few days that will support that step.” 

Examples in this post are simply examples (some of which are of my own explorations).  Have fun working on your own Thank Yous, Visualizations, Action Step Structuring, Celebration Wins, and Self-Compassion.  I wish you the most curious experience in developing your next goals!

Here’s a little exercise I posted recently on my Instagram page.

Something to explore: Find a comfortable seat – either on a couch, a chair, or the ground. Cross your ankles or legs if that feels okay in your body. Same with your fingers, hands, arms. Place them in a crossed position in your lap.

All set?

Great!  Now switch the cross of everything.

Yep – turn your seat to face the opposite direction. (If it’s a couch against a wall, find a furniture item oriented another way.) Unfold and re-cross your feet and hands. Move towards an atypical posture. Remember to breathe. Stay here. Find a few more rounds of breath – and be here.

Is it actually uncomfortable or simply unusual (and can you still feel safe residing in the latter)?

This might be something you practice in other ways (I’ll offer a few suggestions at the end of this post.) As we build up windows of tolerance to experiences and situations, we more easily identify certain ruts or patterns that we’ve maintained, even when no longer useful. “No longer useful” does not always change behaviors; when something feels familiar, we can often find comfort in it. There’s a particular predictability, and this may mistakenly resemble a sense of control. (E.g. finding the same cross-legged seat every time we come to our yoga mat.)

Strategic Family Therapists (SFT) discovered that at times, offering paradoxical interventions – such as prescribing the symptom – can motivate an individual to alter her point of view/patterns regarding mental health issues. For example, if “Molly” describes herself for several sessions, as “Anxious,” an SFT might assign Molly the task of purposefully cultivating high levels of her anxiety during the first 15 minutes of every morning for a week straight. The intention behind the intervention being that, Molly might begin to better isolate the presenting symptom (Anxiety), and in intensifying it voluntarily, she can make a choice: to remain with said symptom throughout her day, as a familiar woe to her stress and her relationships, or, to observe how the Anxiety holds false power over daily living. Which, might then lead her towards a sense of relief, as she learns to detach from its intensity (due to the provocative homework assignment). In acknowledging a deliberate shift of her system, of her habit, Molly realizes that, ultimately her intrapersonal power is strong enough to create positive change. She realizes that Anxiety is merely a symptom, no longer an identifier.

My father has been known to quip, “Judge people by what they are consistent in.” I don’t take that quote lightly; it can be powerful for us to monitor ourselves and how our habits might be perpetuating into (un)healthy rhythms, and to gauge if they need adjusting. I’d urge, that we try to do so with self-compassion. With self-love. If self-judgment becomes harsh, and manifests into self-blame, can we use support (like a therapist), to actually approach ourselves with rich curiosity? With growing awareness of our tendencies?

Many of us experience sleep disruption as a symptom of stress or worry, and it can affect greatly our mental health & well being. I ask every client about their evening/bedtime routine for assessment purposes. And, if they describe “overthinking,” “insomnia,” or “restlessness” during most nights, we begin to unpack what might maintain these issues. Surely, television/iPads/iPhones – screens in our lives can play a big role. Though, in addition to technology, it’s amazing how many people recite what they try to pack into the night. What they try and do before bed:

• Workout.
• Answer emails.
• Clean up the playroom.
• Make tomorrow’s lunches.
• Compare oneself to others on a social media scroll.
• Brush teeth, wash face, use the bathroom, and lay down.

Aside from the last hygienic step there, how much of this productivity is necessity, and how much of it is habit?  How much feels easy or comfortable, because we’ve done it every night the last ‘X’ amount of days/weeks/months/years??

Surely, for some, working out a night is the time they have to do so. Yes, it makes the most sense to clean somewhat around the home after kids are in their own beds, when not playing with their toys. And while I would personally rather make lunches in the morning, because I like to give myself a buffer in the a.m. for such tasks, for some (like my husband), making meals the night prior is the easiest way for him to hit ‘snooze’ on the alarm come 6 o’clock.

So, maybe it’s not changing everything listed there. Could you begin with one? Could it be one thing you find to reduce or eliminate from your end-of-night regimen? One thing that you shift to earlier in the evening, so that you can give yourself more rest time? Something your partner might help you with so as to alleviate all the pressure?

Asking someone to alter their perspective is a challenge in itself. It’s like we present someone with a risk, and they need to decide if they are willing to take it or not. This risk is that we’re asking ourselves to step out of our way, and approach our habits from a new light. You may self-inquire, “Wasn’t I doing enough?”

Gathering info about one’s sleep/bedtime routines is helpful for me on a fundamentally, clinical level. I try and express to clients that addressing their routines is less about grading their abilities for self-care, and more about understanding best how such habits affect them (perhaps negatively, neutrally, and sometimes positively). This information can help us in treatment to develop skills that will reduce your stress, and improve your rest. This information can be a tool to help point you in a healthier direction of overcoming obstacles that perhaps you didn’t even realize were barriers to your overall mental health and wellness.

Here are a few other quick tips to practice building up windows of tolerance in your daily routines.

• If drinking a cup of coffee is the first thing you do in the morning, try a cup of warm water with lemon, and wait an hour before the caffeine.
• If music is always playing in your car, try a silent commute to and from work.
• Aim to try one new movement/exercise on the days you workout this week. E.g. if you normally run, try yoga, Pilates, or dancing.
• If you workout at nighttime, try working out this week during the morning.
• If you find yourself on the “social media scroll” for hours-on-end, try deleting those apps this week from your phone. Or give yourself a timer at least 2 hours prior to your usual bedtime to put screen-related items away. Instead, draw. Write. Read. Meditate.

Ask yourself after one week … do any of these better support me and my family? Can I tolerate exploring how to cultivate an authentic sense of self – by exploring my modes of habit?

“True manifesting is allowing the universe
to catch up with your dreams.”
[Gabrielle Bernstein]

The end of the calendar year usually includes an overall review of our successes.  “Successes” that we deem worthy within parameters labeled “good” or “bad.”  Thus, such reflection often allows only self-praise that motivates or self-judgment that negates our attempts.  In this duality, we inherently deny the overarching efforts & experiences of our life’s journey – leading then, many towards a definitive (and usually restrictive) fixation on resolutions they expect will support them into January and beyond.

Yes, vision boards can be helpful.

Yes, developing goals are healthy.

Yes, setting intentions promotes healing.

It’s just that any of the above can be utilized as the mood and magic strikes you – not solely during a time-sensitive, wintry season.  Rather than relying on measures out of fear or lack, can you gather your awareness along the spectrum of abundance, within the scope of your daily life?  And note that abundance does not have to equate to the “highest of highs.”  Sometimes, abundance asks of you an opportunity to explore rich contentment, deep-seated peace in neutrality, or true “enoughness.” 

As we ebb and flow cellularly along the cycles of the moon, perhaps you can identify how the winter Solstice next weekend affects you.  Maybe the holiday merriment for your household will charge certain aspects of your energy, and to that, I would encourage you start to shift – or honor that you can shift mindset – by beginning where you are.

Take out a piece of notebook or scrap paper and mark it with the dates of the next week.  Offer yourself the chance to write down one affirmation or goal you have for that specific day.  It’s a practice to get used to:

1) Creating – thoughts, meditations, intention setting;

2) Create – tangible steps, articulating plans, engagement with others who can help hold us accountable;

3) Creation – noticing the process and making following decisions or choices that bolster, rather than cast self-judgment or blame on whatever was/was not “achieved.”

I do hope, that this week of shorter daylight hours encourages deep rest for your body and weary minds.

I do hope, that your time spent in reflection is out of curiosity more so than negative comparison of prior reflections.

I do hope, that if in your curious reflection you notice negativity or darkness, that it receives from you the same recognition and grace as your positive and bright experiences do.

I do hope, that you can claim December as a time during which your dreams can be proposed to the universe – proposed just as wildly as any other month.

When we recognize that each thought pattern and following action forges a trajectory of habit, it’s revealed that a portal of manifestation can serve us personally, professionally, physically, relationally, spiritually (and so on) during any time of year.

What are your goals?  For 2019?

And also, what about for this month? How about for this week?

For today?  For this moment??

Self-care.

“Oh sure,” (you might be thinking), I’ve heard of that…That’s the trendy need to journal every day.  Or Meditate.  Or do yoga.  Breathe deeply.  Listen to folk music.  Eat ‘clean.’  Get 8-10 hours of sleep….Carly, you’ve written about this before, right?”

Yes, you got it!  That’s self-care!

… at least it is for some.

Self-care is so much more than the few items listed above, because as you may recognize, self is the larger piece of the pie.  You get to be the one to decide how it looks, when it happens, and how often.

For yourself, specific practices that create a personal sense of nourishment may look like a variety of different things, and possibly quite different than your sister’s or your friend’s own arrangement.  What’s more, your own mix of self-care routines will likely change over time.  As we grow and change, often our focuses do as well.  As these practices develop, we’re offered the opportunity to see if they are still acting as methods of real self-care.  That is: are they allowing us to nurture ourselves under our current circumstances?

Many moons ago, when I was a 20-something living in the city of Boston, I began a yoga mat practice as a means of self-care.  Though, truthfully at the time, it was really because it was snowing all the damn time and I wasn’t about to take my inconsistent jogging route along the Charles River in the middle of February.  The physical idea of yoga excited me.  The potential for exercise is what brought me there.  And, during the last 10+ years, yoga has stayed a consistent self-care practice, for which I am so, so thankful.

Yoga remains a part of my self-care routine in addition to its physical benefits, of course.  It is truly a high-value attribute of my life.  It is a means of spiritual connection to a higher state of consciousness that I feel surrounds me, as well as a deeply centered point of self.  A sense of True Self.

I believe strongly in this concept of true self, and explore it with clients/students nearly every day.  How do we cultivate this?  How do we honor this?  And yet, I too, live in my human experience, sometimes struggling to remember my inner light.  I dismiss it from time to time, due in part to a highly technological world we live in.  Because of social media.  Because of certain external expectations I make for myself to “stay & look busy.”

“I just couldn’t meditate when I have to attend the PTA or Gymnastics meet.”
“I can’t go for my usual run, because my partner was up all night with the baby.”
“I can’t get coffee with my friend, because I have to write an article for work.”

I smile as a write some of this.  When we were younger, my mom reiterated to my sisters and me that she despised the word “busy.”  “Under whose standards?  For what purpose?  To spread ourselves just how thin?”  And, thankfully (Mama), those adages have stuck with me.  For myself – through positively selfish activities (like yoga, breath work, music, and good eats), I access my own sense of success much more quickly.  I manifest positive feelings of where I want to land in my life.  I remember that the rat-race or appearing busy through the lens of certain productivity matters far less than feeling well.  The Good Selfishness (aka self-care) helps me with this.

If you’re still unsure about a self-care routine, can you ask yourself right now:  “Am I feeling well?” and come up with an honest answer?  Or, if your answer is “no” or “I’m not sure,” it might be a great time to check in with what entities consume your time and energy.

Here are some examples of what I have found lead to deficiency or depletion:

• A jam-packed work schedule
• Less than 5 hours of sleep each night
• Inconsistent eating/consistently turning to processed food for meals
• Drinking more than 10 drinks in a typical week
• Persistent negative self-talk
• Allowing for high negativity in your energetic space or physical environment
• Lack of movement in your body (exercise)
• Shortness of breath, gastrointestinal, or digestive problems
• Skin irritations or rashes
• Mindless social media ‘browsing’ (exceeding 3 hours/day non-work related)

In contrast, here are some examples of high-value attributes and self-care practices that may optimally support your growth and self-compassion:

• Deciding what kind of workload you can manage (that still includes maintaining healthy social relationships with friends and family)
• An intentional sleep-prep routine about 30 minutes prior to bedtime (perhaps meditation, body scan, technology turned off, essential oils, a sound machine, etc)
• Navigating appropriate boundaries of people/things in your life that support you and your experiences
• Moving your body at least 10 minutes/day (walking, running, hiking, yoga)
• Increasing your water intake (up to half one’s body weight in fluid ounces – aka someone 150lbs drinks roughly 75 oz/day, or 2.5 Nalgene bottles)
• Increasing the intake of foods high in Vitamin B3 (ex: tuna, broccoli, brown rice, asparagus, avocado, sweet potato)

One of my favorite quotes is from Adaptive Yoga Teacher Matthew Sanford, out of his memoir, Waking, : “Seeking begins when the options presented are unacceptable.”  If the options in front of you are limiting, self-defeating, depleting, or otherwise debilitating, know that it doesn’t have to remain that way.  You can start with yourself in small steps.  Whatever isn’t working well right now, focus on what does and how it serves you.  THAT is the self-care you can begin to use.  Tools we use externally can also improve our internal experience.

Be well.  Be kind.  Be selfish.

My paternal grandmother died 13 years ago.  Her name was Marion.  Actually, we only called her “Grandmother.” although as formal as that sounds, she was not as such.  A bit of a hippie, was one of the most quintessential DIYers you could think of, made ridiculously delicious lemon desserts (if only I appreciated them as a 7 year-old), and had a background in social work.  I adored her very much.  Our daughter’s middle name is her maiden name – and so she carries on.

Unfortunately, all 4 of my grandparents have passed away.  And they did so within a similar timeframe of just about two years of one another.  I remember where I was when I heard (or suspected) the news of each of their deaths:  in my college dormitory; driving home solo 7 hours from NY-ME in a snowstorm; in my childhood living room; alone in my apartment.  The same month that my last grandparent died, my future father-in-law did, too.

I bring these memories up for a couple reasons:

1) I think it’s important to remember the context in which we know people – including when their physical bodies leave us.  I certainly don’t consider my fondest memories of any them by way of how I discovered they were no longer alive, but that piece of their story certainly stays with me.  Differently then, but akin to the way we might walk by a certain restaurant or outdoor park and remember holding hands with an ex-partner.

2) I want to honor that their deaths have certainly made a mark in various capacities of my life, and that while my grief has taken on new forms, it hasn’t gone away.  I may remember one of them during a seemingly arbitrary day at work or while trying to fall asleep, and it will feel relevant at times, while in other ways so random.  Grief has an interesting way of showing up.

We all do, don’t we?  Have interesting ways of showing up?

Grief is the same culprit.  There will be times in session when a client describes their grieving and it’s manifesting through tears.  Or through anger.  Or depression.  Or being expressed through excessive drinking or frequent one-night stands.  Grief can be represented by working extremely late hours at the office or questioning everything.  Grief is not one thing.

“Grief” by definition can be as simple as: something “troubling or annoying.”

My boss gives me such grief for not responding to emails after 10pm.

Of course, grief due to the death / loss of someone (or something) can be as complex as: feeling “sorry, misery, anguish, heartbreak, dejection, despair, suffering, affliction, torment, etc” (Webster’s dictionary).  And even more, grief can be complete or unresolved.  It’s entirely different per person, based on age/ethnicity/family beliefs/culture/experience/etc.  We cannot rush this process.  Or expect it to appear a certain way.

As the griever or as the facilitator.

Grief is normal.  Grief is natural.  If only with ourselves, we all will experience death firsthand, at some point.  How might we enter a conversation about this process?  Does it feel scary to you?  Intimidating?  Difficult?  How might we engage in a conversation that has so many unknowns?  That isn’t linear?  Models have been created in an attempt to help support the griever (think Kübler-Ross), exploring various emotional states and stages.  These can be helpful.  These can also feel limiting.

I don’t necessarily want this post to be about which stage(s) to “put” yourself in.  Research over the years has shown that many stages can be revisited during the development of one’s grief journey.  And we can have an entirely different grief journey per loss – just because (for instance) your favorite teacher’s passing was incredibly challenging, your uncle’s death may have been easier to process.  This, due to innumerable circumstances (like the age you were when they died, the age they were when they died, how they died, etc.); none of which negates the other.  They’re all unique and have a right to be felt in the way that you need to heal.

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Grief is a path of life because we will all lose things and lose people.  What we find happens after death is also so very unique; I’ll briefly share some of what I find to be helpful and true for my healing:

I feel my grandmother when I pass streetlights that shut off as I pass them by.  This might be when I’m driving in the car, or during an evening stroll with my pups down the neighborhood sidewalk.  Just the other week I got off my local train, and there it was – “blink!” Off went the streetlamp immediately in front of me.  This experience can manifest as a ‘chicken or the egg’ situation, as sometimes I will be thinking of her and there goes out the light, or I may not be thinking about her at all, but when the bulb darkens she comes to mind.  In most cases I smile because of it.  Other times it is emotional for me.  But in either case, I feel that she’s with me in some way – and I love that.

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This may resonate with you – and perhaps not due to different reasons.  Whatever your beliefs about death and dying (energy/afterlife), know that they are accurate if they are authentic to you.  If the story of someone’s life carries meaning into yours – even after they have passed – then perhaps not all has been lost.  Perhaps the gratitude of experiencing such heartache is valuable in it of itself, because it evokes a depth to your human experience.

Carly McDade is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist as well as Certified Yoga Teacher and Reiki Practitioner.  She owns and operates her business, EmBodyed Tides – located in Erdenheim, Pennsylvania – providing holistic health practices to support women and families in getting “unstuck” in their lives due to various transitions including: role identity, relationships, trauma, grief and loss.  You can learn more about her practice and her services by exploring this website – feel free to contact her at (267) 723-7169 or by emailing her at embodyedtides@gmail.com

I work a pretty flexible schedule these days.

It’s this way by choice having spent far too many years hustling the “oh-so-desirable-9-to-5” gig which only ever manifested in a stressed-out, over-tired, guilt-ridden, financially-frustrated me.  It was becoming clearer after having kids that my tolerance for this lifestyle had shifted, but I wasn’t able to see the possibility in myself quite yet.

Like many of us, I had labeled my space as “stable” – but really disguised my struggles with a perceived contentment.  My better half has held the same role at the same company for 11 years, and I was letting that again and again allow me to force myself into a rabbit hole.  To prove my worth in getting up early and wear a certain style of clothing, while remaining in (or adding on) school and classes and trainings to help advance my career.  “Career” being whatever I thought I needed to have and hold in order to describe and declare myself in the world when receiving the inquiry, “So … what exactly do you do?”

I believe that we ask others this question (myself as well) most of the time with good intention, to set a formality of introduction and perhaps size one another up (comparison sigh).

But what does it matter what we do?

Doesn’t it matter so much more who we are?

Sure enough, during the last 15 months or so, I collected my resources (confidence included) and began an entrepreneurial life – which, if you had asked me just 2 years ago that I would be attempting – it would have only been met with a curt, polite smile and a gentle roll of my eyes.

Can’t do that.  Not practical.  Not appropriate for me and my energy.  I work too hard and have to show that by working long hours, in 1 place (and then maybe adding a 2^nd or 3^rd more) to attest that I’m a hard worker and staying busy busy busy…

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And so was the grind – the jostled pace of a satiated community mental health agency in Northeast Philadelphia for 4+ years.  Where I established my first groundings in Systemic Family Therapy; where I negotiated among fellow colleagues who also trained there, the rights and responsibilities of holding space for families who were most of the time (simply) trying to survive.  And this wasn’t even the 9-to-5 to which I generally refer.  It was easy for work to follow me home if I let it.  It was plenty more engrossing than my part-time 3 days/week.  People’s stories consumed me until I had appropriate supervision to nudge me otherwise.  I was completing additional classes, working that 2^nd (and 3^rd) job, having children of my own, and developing (finally) a greater sense of self that peered over the edge of my current experiences.  Not a peering in the that’s-too-far-out-of-reach-longing kind of way, but in the hooray-for-at-last-believing-and-achievable way.

A view from under which I could escape the largest barrier to living wholeheartedly:  myself.

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Cut to a recent trip away in Denver, Colorado this last weekend.  Our kiddos’ first plane rides, our first family-of-four-vacation in what felt like forever.  (Was it ever?)  Fairly home-bodied people, we desired to feel adventurous and thus planned all the things.  My husband, in particular, exemplifies this unique skill in his work, so he pleasantly stood to the task of creating such an Excel document of our excursion broken down by hour by hour (seriously – talk about detail!).

And as we landed, things go to sh*t.

Okay, not really to sh*t.  But into that place of a universally subconscious laughter as we realize not much of it mattered.  The regimented, structured intel was no more important than the organic, superfluous moments that transpired.  Not to mention, the “rat race” out West?  It’s only on the roads of marathons or mountain skiing.  Not in work.  Not seemingly in relationships.  Most of the culture was so relaxed and friendly and receptive, we nearly questioned it.  (Is that the saddest part?)  We were befuddled by the wide generosity for our fundamental right to breathing to take precedent.  Our inhales, our exhales, our eyes to absorb.  Less time on our phones.  Less wandering around internet streams because actual rivers and trails were under our feet.  To say it all went to sh*t is because it actually went the way we wish life to go.

The way it needs to – the way we choose – for us to live more deeply.

Earnestly.  Openly.  Thoughtfully, perhaps, and not colored merely by way of “practicality.”

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I bring this back to my experience as a self-employed therapy/yoga/reiki person because it’s not about what.  It’s not even always about with whom.  It’s about how.

How do I wish to work?  The ways that suits me and our life.  (Differently obviously, though no more important, than how my husband chooses.)

How do I wish to leave my impact on this earth?  The ways that comfort my kids’ futures while understanding that means less on material and more on presence.

How do I wish to spend?  The ways that provide my own optimal balance.  (Remember that balance is not stagnant, for no seesaw is ever completely still).

How do you choose to _______?
Can you honor it?

I can with you.
I will for you until you can.
I hope that you can.  I believe that you can.

Here with admiration for your choices and your journeys, too.

I am going to hop right to it:  “T” is a for “Trauma.”  At least in the context of this blog post.

Lately, the word & topic of trauma has seemed to infuse among the masses – insofar as the terminology and content appears to be more present everywhere we look.  This all thanks to TED talks, psychology & therapy practices constructively representing mental health issues, and more prevalent social activism.  Albeit, trauma of course, is nothing new.  It’s as ancient as anything we’ve come close to knowing as a species.  To secure a baseline definition (though I know there are several equally great options), we can refer to its root concept: “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”

Perhaps then, we all have experienced something traumatic at some point, particularly as the above framework does not imply a given timeframe, certain symptomology, or specific circumstance of one’s experience with trauma.  What we know based on a multitude of research is that trauma does not discern across facets of age, socioeconomic status, ability, or intellect.  It can be a situational experience or occur ongoing.  It is generally an overwhelming impact on the nervous system and prohibits our abilities to cope.

As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I work with survivors of trauma by way of their experiences across some issues like: perinatal and maternal mental health/loss, families of origin, and other interpersonal relationship or abuse histories.  Trained as a systems therapist, clients and I often work together to break down the narrative of their hyperarousal and reactions.  Clients reshape the language of current symptoms from prior experiences, and can begin to fuel more self-compassionate, self-empowering language.  Neither of which I can ever fundamentally give to that person from a professional position.  No, they only truly revise said narrative when they can re-express this language for themselves.

As a Yoga Instructor, I have focused much of my training on the gentler, slower-moving practices of Restorative and Trauma-Sensitive yoga.  These modalities have helped me to create groups that hold space for women and men who seek an opportunity to reclaim their body in a more autonomous way.  By making decisions that are appropriate for them.  They get to be the ones in control – which is the antithesis of trauma.

So how do we redefine ourselves after trauma?

How do we speak to one’s experience with trauma without stigma?

Can we redefine a word which for so many creates a cloud of symptoms such as hypervigilance, shame, doubt, numbness, disconnection?

I can’t answer for you what will feel best.

What I can offer is my own recent interpretation of how I would like to formulate “trauma” for the future.

I believe we need to move away from trying to erase the memory of what happened; my personal deliberations lead me to believe this limits one’s opportunity to work through the trauma while narrowing chances for proper healing.  Because of the work of several pioneers, we understand that some memories of traumatic events are likely reshaped, reworked, or coerced at times (see Perry’s text, The Boy Who was Raised as a Dog).  Thus, working through and feeling safe now does not require the elicitation of a specific memory or exact experience.  Rather, if a someone’s body is responding by way of disassociation or fight/flight with present-day triggers, how can we most effectively cultivate healthier coping skills to help them regulate?

If someone’s identity to trauma has internalized (for so many the word itself on an external bias still is judged, shamed, or stigmatized), how can I support my clients and yoga students in their process of healing if choosing to use the word, without giving in to its former power?

What I will respond with today is an acronym that I created on behalf of my clients, colleagues, friends, and yoga students.  An acronym that may incorporate the vernacular of but still redefine “trauma,” by way of giving survivors a sense of agency.  “T.R.A.U.M.A.” – in collaboration with clients’ responses to techniques and interventions like talk therapy combined with somatic experiences (e.g. Trauma-Sensitive Yoga postures, breathwork, meditation) to extract the negative manifestations and instead claim the power back.  There are so many powerful mind/body modalities which can support our clients.  I hope continued recognition of complex, developmental, and pervasive traumas – and the likelihood of it being experienced by so many – helps us do better work.  Helps us offer better techniques and skills.  Helps us generate better, safer spaces for survivors to grow and to recover post-crisis.  I hope this acronym sits well with you all in shifting the narrative:

Towards Resilience And Understanding with Mindful Action

Remember this childhood game?

“Red light.  Green Light.  Red light!  GREEN light!!”

A game built on keen surveillance and forethought towards those agile enough to try and get past you.

In reflecting on the game now, and noticing how it appears in our adult lives:  Are we still playing this game?  Do we only apply ourselves in life by way of extremes?

Red light.  Green light.

Working mom.  Stay at home mom.

Partnered up.  Single.

Dog lover.  Everyone else.

What about the in-between?  What happened to yellow light?

I recently presented on Mindfulness & Motherhood, to a small group of mamas who (like any of us) are finding themselves consistently adjusting to the fluctuating experiences of parenting; for those who seemed interested in utilizing breath and mindful practices to ease some of these ups and downs.

We chatted about negative verbal tendencies and physical behaviors made by both mom and child that frustrate and disappoint us, or that cause some discomfort with how things are handled.  In normalizing this (even for those of you reading right now):  it happens to all of us.  The frustration.  The disappointment.  The discomfort.  Just today I found myself dropping my son off at daycare with a fire in my belly about the snail’s pace of the morning, and I had to give myself a few conscious inhales and exhales to focus on getting my daughter onto the bus (rather than stay fuming).

It happens, because as moms we’re notoriously expending so much energy to tend to everyone else.  We’re continuously finding ourselves in the mindset of to-do lists that never end.  I tried to reiterate to the mamas at the luncheon, “What if these lists don’t go away?  Who takes care of you?”  Even when one list ends, another one begins, or we’re revisiting those that we tried to shove into drawers or our purses to avoid.  Or to get to later.  Or to try and forget about all together.  In parenting, there is no end.

It also happens, because as women, we still live in a culture that reinforces the subconscious objective of “doing it all,” disguised by “having it all.”  Maria Shriver just discussed this with Krista Tippet in her podcast On Being (and I couldn’t agree more):

“… it ends up making women of all economic groups, of all colors, feel like they’re somehow the only one that’s not doing it all, that’s not achieving.  And I think, very often the images that women get of these other women who seem to — like they’re running for vice president and all their kids are perfect and everything’s great, or they’re running for this, and their husband adores them; they’re having sex all the time; they don’t struggle with their weight; their children are all 4.0s.  And that’s just not true.  It’s just not true.  And so I think the illusion of balance, having it all — I think that’s all a sales job.”

Continue reading “Yellow Light”

Social Media.  NPR.  CNN.  FOX News.  Fake news.  We’ve got it all.  We have it all, and we have it all. of. the. time.  It’s precarious moments right now in our world as we watch and wait for the “experts” to tell us all the things:  how we feel, how we should feel, what’s happening, what’s great about what’s happening, what’s terrible about what’s happening, what’s right for us, what’s wrong for us – not to mention that it remains unclear who is behind declaring such very good-no-good-terrible-good-and-bad things.

Who is behind it all?  Perhaps that whole “the-world-is-listening-to-us” mentality is not so far-fetched (Alexa, Siri, Echo, anyone?).  When you’re faced with a choice or an existential struggle in your life, doesn’t it appear that these kinds of stories pop up on your feed?  Or all of a sudden, it’s the only topic your moms group or coworkers can talk about?  If a news story pertains to whatever you are going through, do you find yourself believing it to be true?  Likewise, if acquaintances, friends, or family are speaking to it well then it has to be true … right?

Much of the media outlets today appear to position themselves from a blame-game perspective.  What’s the “blame-game” you ask?  Consider that our major broadcasts are supposedly set up to fuel us with accurate information and direction (on health, finances, politics, etc).  But what seems to happen instead is that rather than feeling secure and on course, we’ll spiral into a rabbit hole of self-doubt as the plethora of information contradicts one another via other news programs and websites – or more deeply: our values, opinions, and emotions.

So where are we actually supposed to look for the answers?

Many clients I work with struggle with this kind of answer seeking – the “right” way to perform – as many of us often do.  They are women running their own businesses who are receiving negative feedback on the kind of energy they exhibit to get things accomplished.  They are men questioning how they respond emotionally to difficult experiences based on society’s views of masculinity.  They are millennials who feel confident in where they want to end up in life but remain confused about how to get there.  They are mothers losing confidence in themselves because of the conflicting expectations of surrendering independence to take care of the family, while maintaining a flawless representation of her appearance.

Feels like we are stuck.

Feels like we are in a holding pattern.

Feels like our inner critic shines.

Feels as if we are juggling twenty pins in the air while seated on a unicycle that’s meandering a tightrope, all the while these pins which represent dreams and curiosities about life weigh greatly, and the only net underneath us is a porous bed of culturally-shaming perfectionism.  ALL of which illuminates obnoxiously from our televisions, smart phones, and Bluetooth speakers!  Phew!  How tiring!

So where are we actually supposed to look for the answers?? How do we achieve this perfection?

Brené Brown speaks to it like this:  “Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought:  If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Oh, okay, so the question really becomes who do I need to blame for all of the wrong answers in my life?  Nah, probably not that simple.  Besides – we don’t really want to turn this post into a blame-game.  Let’s not get caught in the rabbit hole.

Free yourself.

Step out of the cycle.

Open up to possibilities and accept that not all of them are meant for you.

Climb down from the circus act and kindly walk away from others’ assumptions about what you need to do with your life.  Away from those damn “shoulda-coulda-wouldas.”

Answers may come to you as you develop stillness.  You can be the freedom from your addictive plea for perfection.

Turning inward becomes our greatest gift.  As you were reading the post so far, any head nods?  Any validation of your experiences?  Can we recognize that media is not all good, but not all bad, either?

We must learn at some point to shut things off.  Electronics need rebooting to rethink, and humans do as well.  Which is why when someone struggling with insomnia finds that daily functioning quickly dwindles.  We can blame the lack of sleep for a time, but how about moving the focus to inner strengths, shifting support for our nervous system to respond with ‘rest and digest?’  Our world is in such a need to slow things down, to trust that our minds and hearts and bodies can actually build up intuitive skills that limit negative consumption of materials, and instead lean into that which feels most comfortable based on our needs.

Meditation.  Breathwork.  Moving your body gently (think simple joint flexion and extension in ankles, wrists).  Be with yourself in present moments to connect to your inner voice who doesn’t seek blame or aim to hurt.  To connect with the voice that at first doesn’t seem to know, but as you sit with yourself reveals more about who you are and who you are not.

You can discover for yourself what answers lie within after all.  Even on your cloudiest of days, in the blur of media overwhelm and reporting frenzies.  If you take a step back in the technological ‘hokey pokey’ of sorts – I think we can figure out what it’s all about.  Give yourself permission to not be perfect.

“The grass is greener where you water it.”

This saying is a wonderful one for me. So often have I placed myself on the edge of a fence, longingly admiring the surrounding gardens and others’ dreams fulfilled. Have you? It can seem like such a lovely place.

And yet, such yearning can shift into a cycle of self-doubt. A spiral of “What Ifs” and “How Do Theys.” Causing, at times, a loosened grip of my hands as I stagger to stay above the perimeter and compare.

Comparison knocks us down. Setting a pointed focus on it proves unsustainable, and so then I stumble back into the terrain of my own inner landscape.

Though flustered at first, slowly I begin to realize the seeds I have planted are in fact growing just fine – be it they do so on their own timeline. Seasons come and go. Spin the grasses of your dreams between your fingers and feel their true nature. Their wild, persistent, fluctuating nature. Blooming doesn’t happen all year, but can you trust that it happens?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, lacking trust in your own path, or seeking better boundaries for your growth, reach out today.

🌱 (267) 723-7169