Author: embodyedtides

Ahh, to be in love.  It’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it?  You and your partner adventuring in the world together.  Engaging in stimulating conversation, taking each other out to dinner, and meeting one another’s friends & family.  Getting to know the other’s (many) quirks, feeling passionate, and perhaps making strides towards cohabitation or marriage.  Yes, to live within a romantic relationship can be pretty dreamy…

And then again – we live in a digital-age world.  In a world where cell phones are constantly buzzing, keyboards are quizzically typing, and the television hums in the background.  Just how are we supposed to feel connected to our partners?  How often do you find yourself on “date night” at your favorite restaurant, only instead of good grub, you’re consuming the daily feed off Facebook and Instagram, as each of you glares down into the abyss of your iPhone?  Instead of staring longingly into their eyes, you’re checking out the angle of your selfie, making sure you post a witty hashtag.  (Sidebar: is “Selfie” capitalized?)

Don’t forget, this is just the dating phase.  What about when you have made the choice to move in, or get married, or have kids?  Doesn’t it just get that much more complicated?  We’ve become so concerned about being in-the-know with our “social” life, that we end up risking the chance of missing moments that are truly worthy of our attention.

Although, don’t fret.  I did say that it’s a “digital-age world,” remember?  Technology moves fiercely and fast, but not all the same pressure is on us romantically.  Shifts toward being more mindful, especially with regards to mating/dating/marriage, are not expected to happen overnight.  As defined by one of the leading experts around it, “mindfulness” is simply, “paying attention in a particular way – on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally” (Jon Kabat-Zinn).  If we are with our boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse at any point in time, learning to recognize as many present-moments that we can without much discernment, is perhaps just the beginning.

And if you get stuck, here are a few more ideas:

1.  Put the Electronics Away (sometimes)
This may sound like a no-brainer, but I also get that it’s difficult to do considering the demands we have at our fingertips (work, school, calendars, email, and so on).  Although, I’m sure you can imagine the importance of ‘disconnecting to connect’ when it comes to face-to-face interactions.  Think eye contact, folks.  And still I could argue for our smartphones on occasion, especially having been in receipt of those surprising, adoring midday texts or emails that are a simple check-in or “I love you” out of the blue.  Maybe the start is by putting the phones on “curfew” during weeknights, and you make room for interpersonal exchanges like conversation or sneaking up to bed early.

2.  Make Time for Quality Time
In conjunction with tip #1, spending designated, intentional time is an ideal prescription we could all receive for our relationships.  It might start out with you and your boo planning a monthly brunch date.  From there it moves up to getting out to the movies twice a month, or you visit a café during week to share a couple of coffees and split a special treat.  (You don’t have to be like me and always make it about food 😊.)  My husband has been known to take out a deck of cards or board game that we have in the house and plan a “game night” for just the two of us.  Are you both active?  Get outside and take a hike together in the Wissahickon.  Plan a trip to Kelly Drive for a run or bike ride.  Whatever the two of you find enjoyable to do together, make a choice and then a commitment for it within your mutual schedule.

3.  Random Acts of Kindness
For those of you with a little gift-giving in your heart, this could be for you.  At first, that may sound rather mindless, because anyone can  buy a dozen roses or box of chocolates.  But a random act of kindness in our relationship can be intentional, too.  It’s quite a pleasant surprise to get into your car and discover that your spouse has filled it up with gas.  Or when you’re looking at the family calendar and see that she has an important work presentation on Monday, perhaps you choose to bring her her favorite cup of tea on Sunday morning in bed to unwind.  These small, thoughtful acts sound so simple, but that itself is what is so mindful about them.

4.  Mindful Body Scanning
This one may sound focused for sex and intimacy (and it can be!), but let’s also explore the possibility of an even deeper connection:  parasympathetic nervous system regulation (ohhhh yeah).  The main point of the practice being that as we tap into the “rest & digest” component of our autonomic nervous system – which can bring on restoration after feeling frightened, agitated, or vigilant – we also tap into the areas of our mind/body connection that invite safety, calm, and trust.  If, by cultivating tools of meditation or breath as an individual, we begin to notice ways in which our lives have become less worry-inducing, consider how this kind of practice can  shape your relationship.  Especially as it pertains to arguing/fighting and emotional reactivity.  If this body scan sounds interesting, see Gottman-trained psychotherapist Toni Parker’s post for a wonderfully detailed instruction.

5.  Asking for What You Need from Them
Now this may also seem like an obvious one for some of you.  “What do you mean?  I ask him/her all the time and they just aren’t listening to me!”  Is it true?  Do you make conscious, clear statements about what you need?  Or are there possible tones coming out of your fatigue or stress?  Or maybe passive-aggressiveness?  And don’t find this the time to judge your prior actions.  We can use a mindful moment right now, to focus on how to be kind, direct, and vulnerable all at the same time with our partners.  Make eye contact with them whenever possible when requesting something – be it your cup of water from across the room, or inquiring about a little romance around bedtime.  Offer the soft touch of your hand onto their arm and bid a connection towards their energy level if you’re seeking comfort.  While mind-reading seems like it would be fabulous at times, do not disregard the immense power we have as humans to bond by way of nonverbal cues, as much as we can vocally.

*If you’re resonating with some of these, and are interested in learning more … One of my favorite go-to-texts for exploring some of these areas around our own needs and those of our partner’s, is Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages.  The five dimensions vary among physical and emotional connections and help identify what is of greatest value for each person in the relationship.  Head to their website today to take the free online quiz to find out what your love language is!  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Most of you reading this know by now, that I work clinically as a Marriage & Family Therapist, as well as a Yoga Instructor – two platforms through which I share strongly my passions and dedication to work that I believe can encourage resilience and healing for all.

Much of my specialization aligns with a deep-seeded connection to women & their families, many of whom are “stuck” in the midst of transitions.  Some navigating expected life-cycle stages (like “Empty Nesting” or job ambiguity), others are traveling (or meandering) through a hell of a surprise.  Generally, those I work with the most are recognizing that Anxiety, Shame, or Stress has amplified due to their experiences.

At times, their presenting issues inhabit as physiological symptoms, and they seek help to make meaning out of what has manifested in their physical body from the emotional duress.  For some, their somatic expressions are derivatives of grief and loss.  For others, it is due to chronic low self-esteem or an inner critic positioned from early childhood.  For many, these kinds of representations equate to what we have come to identify as trauma.

“Trauma” will be referred to in this blog post as the umbrella under which many may argue that a majority of our mental health issues fall – being that it is as simply defined as: “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” There’s no question that when put in this context, it is rather difficult to debate the likelihood that each of us, at some point, has experienced traumatic things, or have perhaps been enveloped by them.  (*To clarify, I recognize that not all distressing events cause trauma nor are inherently “traumatic.”  Though for the purpose of this piece I will be using the term as it is utilized across many disciplines including Psychology, Education, and Research.)

Furthermore, within the parameters of ‘Mental Health & Yoga,’ there has been a more recent and profound shift exploring how the negative impacts of trauma may be managed with tools these entities provide.  This shift has happened in part and with thanks to technology and social media.  While of course, the trauma field and its many techniques towards recovery is not new.

Long-time scholars and researchers such as Dr. Judith Herman, Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, Dr. Peter Levine, Dr. Bruce Perry (did you catch Oprah’s 60-Minutes convo with him a few Sundays ago?), the list goes on.  And another name.  A name also linked to this panel of experts around his fruitful research efforts and studies pertaining to EMDR (eye-movement desensitization processing) and other empirically-based modalities of healing trauma.  A name most recently exploited all over the internet around trauma – that name being – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s (BVDK) book, The Body Keeps the Score:  Brain, Mind & Body in the Healing of Trauma, has certainly made a name for itself since published a few years ago.  I read it just last July, as I was attending the Summer Institute Conference on Cape Cod, organized by the Trauma Center.  It continues to be a book I reference and discuss with clients, as it is quite exceptional.  The Trauma Center, based in Brookline, Massachusetts, is a program run out of the Justice Resource Institute in Needham.  The Trauma Center was run by (now former) Medical Director BVDK, up until January of this year.  (You can refer to the article published by the Boston Globe earlier this month).

And know that from here on in, I am not going to spend much more time on the specifics of the allegations made of BVDK.  At this point they are still being examined, investigated, discovered – including that all of which are being denied by BVDK and several of his close colleagues.  He is rightfully putting out his own defenses against the “denigration and bullying” claims.  However, over time I plan to return to the surmounting evidence (as I would with any alleged case) as it continues to be distributed to the masses.

Others within the field of trauma have spoken out around the allegations.  Two of whom I credit much of my developing professional orientation in Therapy and Yoga:  Dr. Bo Forbes (Psychologist and Yoga Teacher) and David Emerson (Trauma Center | Trauma-Sensitive Yoga Director; who also developed with BVDK an empirical study which indicated significantly positive results of trauma-sensitive yoga as an adjunctive, therapeutic tool for trauma survivors, as compared to psychotherapy and psychotropic medication alone).  Forbes and Emerson have shared their letters and personal thoughts about the matter on social media and their domains.  Forbes’ sentiments have spoken more towards her personal (witnessing) history of BVDK with his staff, clients, and other admirers.  Both though, shared and reminded in their wisdom that regardless of whatever allegations have been made (none of which are yet concluded – can they be? will they be?), the work continues.  They encourage that we engage with this experience, as with any other, and dig a little deeper into our fields of compassion towards those who have (reportedly) been under this denigration, and towards those who have (reportedly) aggressed.

Does it matter who it was?

Does it matter who it is that uses his/her power over another?  I’d argue that whomever uses their power differential to implicate an act of aggression towards someone else is in the wrong.  In Psychology (and various other disciplines), we learn that cycles of abuse and other faulty patterns of behavior occur so often among those who know one another (Relative-Child, Spouse-Spouse, Employer-Subordinate, etc.)  Be it emotional, physical, or mental – we are often facing clients in our therapy rooms (and yoga studios) whose experiences have been the result of, at minimum, being close to someone by proximity.

My husband asked after I shared the news, “Do you think it’s inevitable for our heroes disappoint us?”

What makes them a hero in the first place?

If we hold a certain person or group up on a pedestal (which many of us start to do with our earliest caregivers pending the nurturance received), there presents a power shift almost immediately.  They’re up, I’m down.  They’re knowledgeable, I’m learning.  They’re strong, I’m weak.  It becomes quite easy to make it more about opposition than integration.

On another hand, we must be able to identify in some way with the heroes of our lives.  Consider how we humanize deities and ancient gods (possibly your current point of faith, or even a beloved pet).  On some level, to look up to something or someone, there needs to be a stance of relevance keeping us captivated.  That keeps my eyes focused on admiration and curiosity.  And when we see the highlight reels on the news about “Firefighter entering burning building to save 9,” or, “Local resident commits 20 hours of volunteer time each week,” and so many more, we consider, “Hey, that could be me.”

“Wow, I want to live up to that kind of kindness.”

We speak to the ways in which these people amaze us, because we wonder if we could in time, mirror their growth.  Their love.  Their knowledge.  Their generosity.

And then, if and when these same folks – or those similar – across other news stories begin to degrade, stumble, or even fall.  Perhaps we observe an adult screaming in a child’s face.  We hear about an elderly person being mistreated in her own home by healthcare staff.  We think, “How could they?”

 “I never would have guessed.”

Undoubtedly, there are offenses to which we cringe in agony; we could never believe someone is capable of such misdemeanor.  But we also consider, “Hey, could that be me?”

“Wow, I hope I never sink so low.”

We speak to the ways in which these people insult us.  How they affront our hope.  Because we wonder if we could in time, mirror their malevolence.  Their intolerance.  Their negligence.  Their absurdity.

Trauma-sensitive or Trauma-Informed (I like to refer to it all as Human-Informed) modalities include the building of one’s awareness to themselves.  Of rooting down in the (challenging) simplicity of facing oneself.  Our full self.  Breath.  Meditation.  Self-Kindness.  Such techniques are irrefutably important.  What’s more, they are relevant and making powerful strides in how we therapeutically treat individuals, couples, children, and families.

And to those who have allowed for such validation.  Whose research and work and time spent during a majority of their academic and professional careers has helped shape the field of trauma for clinical excellence.  Thank you.  Such fundamental efforts need to be acknowledged.

And yet – brilliance is no excuse.

Those who have helped catapult progress need not be up on that pedestal forever.  Too risky a position.  Not sustainable as a human being.

As illustrative as some of the issues are that clients bring into my office, they are in each of their own ways a universal experience.  A human experience.  A thread which connects us all in the tapestry of life – and so, even within the depths of one’s darkest times or confessions, for those I work with, part of the trauma-sensitive treatment I provide must stir from within my own depths, and be revealed as a shared connection.  A seat of compassion allowing for true healing to begin – meeting my client where they are at.  Good|Bad|Neutral.  I hope to continue exploring my self-compassion so that I can bestow the same unto everyone I meet.

Can you?

This title – I know – perhaps not for the faint of heart, but hear me out.

Someone I know recently received a cancer diagnosis.  This comes shy of one month after she lost her mother to cancer as well.  She lost her mom over the holidays after several preceding months that included watching her mother die, as her two young kiddos accompanied her many times over to visit their ill grandmother.

Someone I know is experiencing their parent’s travels along the spectrum of Dementia and Alzheimer’s.  The disease has swept up fast, aging what appears otherwise to be a physically healthy woman.  And again, another mom and daughter with young grandchildren facing this together.

Someone I know is supporting a family member who has come into significant hardship after his home was destroyed by a fire.  He, along with his wife, kids, and pets have survived the physical devastation.  All personal items were lost, and it happened in a cold, snowy location.

These experiences – certainly unique to each involved – are also some of the most universal themes of our shared Human experience:
death, disconnection, displacement.

While perhaps less “extreme” (and exactly how one identifies the extremity itself is deeply personal), you may have experienced one, some, or all of such described losses.  Bringing about a separation of reality and/or identity in some way.  Bringing about the countless, intangible stressors that become involved with such difficulty.  Bringing about what many express towards you out of their support.  This may include:  “Everything happens for a reason.”

And perhaps, yes.  Everything happens.  But I wonder what happens if we consider that such a sentiment (even with good intentions) can come across as dismissive or careless.  Rather, use the power of your good intentions, condolences and solace for your companion, in letting them know that you’re there.  In each circumstance described, it is plausible one approaches an element of grief.  Use an opportunity here to join them, embrace them, and reveal that you are present for them.

There is not much we can do to “fix,” even as we set up GoFundMe campaigns with the hopes of raising money for those in their suffering.  It certainly offers steps towards moving forward in their journey.  Though know that for them this assistance may be utterly unrecognizable at first glance, as they manage other goings-on such as the very process of mourning what is being lost.  Take time to be tender and patient here.

A recent New York Times article, “Understanding Grief,” describes the state of being present with others in their loss as “bearing witness.”  Which is to say that not all things have meaning right now.  And that certain experiences may never make sense or meaning in one’s life.  We certainly cannot assume it ‘should’ or ‘its lesson will come.’  Instead, I encourage you to find a way of relating to them as a counterpart in their life, someone to whom they can reveal their feelings if that’s what they need.  They could share their stories or their struggles, and know that even with your encouragement, they may not want to reach out or share at all.

Continue to effort your love towards them.  Build off of your compassion and recognize their experience by simply acknowledging.  See what you might be able to offer, and lean back in respect if they appear unready for this help, and lean in if/when they show a need for comfort.

Simple words or phrases that speak to acknowledgement?

“I am very sorry for your loss.”
“I am here for you.”
“If you need anything, let me know.”
“My thoughts are with you and your family.”

In all ways that you can, as always – be well and be kind.

Are you a first-time Mama?  Maybe a 2^nd-time, 3^rd, or even more?

Motherhood is one of the most incredible journeys you can take in this life.  It can also be one of the most challenging.  It seems that despite all the joy it can bring, worry and doubt inevitably follow closely behind.  Especially in the very beginning!  Having a newborn is beautiful, confusing, invigorating and chaotic all at once.

Amidst all the “newness” with an infant at home, so much else is asked of you: handling intense changes to your body and your hormones, suffering sleep deprivation, facing emotional meltdowns, navigating a changed relationship with your partner – all while raising Baby!  It can feel draining or impossible to manage.

We’ve come to find that approximately 10-15% of women experience some sort of postpartum mental health and wellness issue (Postpartum lasts about 6 weeks after baby is born).  One of the biggest myths out there around Postpartum Anxiety is that it only happens with the first baby.  Well, I’m here to let you know that is simply not true!  And experiencing it does not make you any less of a good mother.  To combat this and other myths out there, I’ve listed below 5 tips on how to make your way through postpartum anxiety – you don’t have it go it alone.

1. Let someone know. It might be your OB/GYN, midwife/doula, baby’s pediatrician – but when you share your very natural feelings or concerns about being a “bad mom,” or if intrusive thoughts of hurting the baby enter your mind, healthcare professionals can guide you towards additional support.  They can refer you to a specialized maternal wellness therapist who will be with you during this painful time.  Someone else who can hold space for you to share your concerns and help address them from an objective point of view.

2. Nurture yourself. Otherwise known as “self-care,” absolutely offer yourself chances to replenish!  This might be eating a delicious, healthy meal.  Taking naps.  Listening to music or watching a favorite TV show.  Walking or finding other exercise that supports you feeling good in your body.

3. Take breaks. Now this one, I know, is not always easy.  “Sleep when baby sleeps” is not always possible!  But perhaps the break is silencing your phone, and instead picking up a magazine or good book.  It might be asking your partner or family members who are visiting to hold the baby while you get to the store or run an innocuous errand – maybe even something non-maternal to (re)identify with yourself.

4. Enlist your friends and family. Similarly to the break mentioned above, don’t be afraid to take your girlfriend up on her offer to bring you a cup of tea, or meet you at the mall for a stroll.  And when she comes over, let her run a load of laundry.  Or if you need to cry – take that box of tissues and let the tears flow!  Good support systems are crucial, and often a neglected component of early parenting in our culture.

5. Thank the Anxious part of you. This tip may appear somewhat strange.  “Why would I thank the part of me that worries?”  In truth, your anxiety is not you.  It is a part of you, and exists somewhat, from an evolutionary standpoint, to protect you.  If you can find compassion for it, and express gratitude of its role, you may be able to forgive the distress it has caused.  This acceptance can free you from believing that it defines who you are, but rather welcome it simply as another element that makes you human.

*For additional support and resources, visit www.postpartumprogress.com and www.postpartumstress.com.  Also suggested is Karen Kleiman’s book, “Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts:  Breaking the Cycle of Unwanted Thoughts in Motherhood.”

(*Original post submitted in collaboration with Empowered Therapy, Inc, as a part of their Motherhood Series.)

In so many ways – the world is traumatized.  If we reflect on the past few months alone, regarding Mother Nature and her storms – well, the citizens of Texas, Florida, and Puerto Rico continue to rebuild after such devastation.  Grieving is not always about losing someone.  It can be something or MANY things.  Of course, we may want to attach less to our materials, and more to life’s experiences.  Although, these were not solely superficial entities down south.  These were homes, jobs, community centers, restaurants, utilities.  These were entities of livelihood and survival.  And now, as they search the wreckage of physicality, such people have also been asked to do the same of their hearts.  In what took only hours or days time, they now, months later, have to find a way to function after such overwhelming loss.

As the holidays approach, it may be such matters that you too are rebuilding.  Calling insurance companies or your employer to navigate the last few weeks of 2017; trying to make the most optimal choices for your family finances and carry out fiscal balances or purchase holiday goodies for the kids.  There is much asked of you right now, and I know that I personally can feel that in the air around me.  What we need is assimilation.  A certain necessity of climbing back “in” to ourselves.  Climbing inward in order to reclaim experiences through sensation.  Welcoming ourselves back to sight, touch, and sound.

We need breath and space and rejuvenation.  I believe in the powers of somatic work in therapy, through yoga, or energy – modalities which can achieve this.  Maybe it’s through your own nutrition or exercise regimens, but in whatever ways you can begin to reflect, I encourage it.  Is this why the wintry season is bare among the trees?  Glossy and bright on the snow?  So that we may view things more clearly?

You may have such dear things or jobs or people that you lost this year.  There undoubtedly are some painful memories that come up during the seasons of merriment.  “How can I possibly celebrate without them?”  You may not have the answer to that yet.  Although I trust that together, we may be able to recognize that in honoring them, it is a celebration.  And if you can choose to slow down, and return to yourself and recognize the many things/people/experiences around you now, with you now, I encourage it wholeheartedly.

Perhaps the breath practice described below is a good place to begin.  Be well and be kind . . .

Sitting comfortably on a chair or on the floor – anchor your seat and if comfortable, gently close your eyes.  Inhale and exhale through your nose (pending sniffles) and simply take notice.  Begin to feel how the breath feels in your nostrils.  Begin then to notice where your breath lands in your body.  Just like this.  Carry on for about 30-60 seconds, and then possibly introduce a count.  Inhale for 4, hold for 1, and exhale for 4.

Inhale 4 – Hold for 1 – Exhale 4

Just like this, for 3-5 rounds, and then come back to your normal breathing.  Notice how and what you feel.  Don’t try to change anything.  You are already doing what you need to do.  Coming into this practice in the morning or at night, or maybe at your work during the day.  Reclaim.

(*If you are pregnant, think you may be pregnant, or have other health issues that may affect your breathing, please consult with a medical healthcare professional prior to any suggestions of breath practices on this website*)

“The function of emotion is e-motion, to engage in action.  If you are afraid, you want to move away from the object of fear.  If you become angry, you feel as if you want to engage or get physical with whomever is making you angry.  If you love someone, you want to make some movement toward that person.  That is the purpose of emotion – to propel us toward action.  When you are traumatized your motion is paralyzed.  A victim of violence almost invariably trapped, pinned down or unable to move.  Later, if there is perceived threat, the body reacts as if it has to move but it once again feels helpless and paralyzed, prevented from being able to act effectively.  All the chemicals are released to engage in action but the body doesn’t know how to move.  Their challenge, is that after confrontation with physical helplessness, it is essential to engage in taking effective action” (excerpt from Bessel van der Kolk’s interview with Integral Yoga Magazine).

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This is exactly why I have come to love what I do.  In practice and in philosophy.  In treatment and in caregiving.  Trauma-informed practices, or what some – including myself – may reference as Human-informed practices, speak largely to this disconnect.  The physical manifestation of our human body, reacting involuntarily to perceived threats on both body and mind.  Through a more holistic combination of healing modalities, including both psychotherapy and yoga together, clients build on the invaluable tools of self-regulation.  And implementing such tools, not only through talk-therapy, but also by adding the undeniable impact of somatic experience, the counseling process then naturally enhances.  It allows someone who has experienced/is experiencing trauma permission of their own movement within their growth.  Within their healing and wellness plan.

If we think about the nervous system being able to synchronize, as if ruled by its own proprietor, I envision it almost like a soul’s ability to put on a symphony.  All the orchestral instruments are available to play, and the person can sing her cadenza in triumph – as she is not only player, but also conductor.  When provided the opportunity to slow the breath, meditate, or move your body because of your choices, this act perpetuates the courage and audacity in being in control of your own life.  It is such a powerful dynamic to embody and watch unfold within another person.

With the trainings I have done in trauma-sensitive yoga, and pioneers I have engaged with in the field (re: David Emerson; Mike Huggins), there’s no question in my mind about the effects of providing this service.  Providing the space for a child, an adult, a couple – even a family – to partake in their own therapy process firsthand, and to see that it can encompass techniques beyond what you’ll read in a textbook.  Of course, the family systemic work I have researched and studied, also guides my practice.  It lays a solid foundation upon which I explore with clients the narratives to which they ascribe their struggles.  Though for many who encapsulate a significant, unfathomable history of pain in their bodily structure, talk therapy does not always seem to be enough.  And other alternative modalities such as EMDR, acupuncture, yoga therapy, reiki and energy work, are fortunately moving further up the chain.  Perhaps it is the e-motion behind the empiricism – to repair an injured mind, we must treat the whole person.

For additional readings and resources, please feel free to check out the following few:

– Overcoming Trauma Through Yoga: Reclaiming Your Body, by David Emerson
– Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy: Bringing the Body Into Treatment, by David Emerson
– Your Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
– Attachment-Based Yoga & Meditation for Trauma Recovery, by Deirdre Fay
– Waking: A Memoir of Trauma and Transcendence, by Matthew Sanford
– “Transcending Trauma: How Yoga Heals” at Yoga International

– www.traumasensitiveyoga.com
– www.traumacenter.org
– www.transformationyogaproject.org

I’ve seen the article “Women Aren’t Nags – We’re Just Fed Up,” by Gemma Hartley, circulating a bunch online.  Posted and shared from various female connections of mine.  Many of whom have offered their high praise and given nearly an “I told you so!” reaction around the content discussed.

And then there’s me:  So. Many. Mixed. Feelings.

At its core, I like the intention of what the author wants to suggest.  Part of her mission truly resonates with me.  I agree to reshaping the norms of egalitarian roles/tasks within relationships.  I agree, that is, provided the egalitarian roles/tasks are optimally defined by every couple.  Which is to say, that the bounds of such division of labor are unique for every pairing.  No two of us are exactly alike.

I also know the article was not written as a dissertation.  My following comments are strictly given from a place of curiosity and personal reflection, as I saw the piece so vastly redistributed.  From my own heart, my own defined role within my relationship (or at least how I perceive it in this moment), and my own views on “emotional labor” as Therapist, there are a few things I would like to say …

IMAGERY
The chosen image featured on the article’s page seems to deflect any opportunity in working through open dialogue with said partners.  I might be on my own here, but I guess I view giving the middle finger an overtly aggressive pass at the (generally valid) frustrations around the share of emotional labor.  While in other areas of my own feminist, activist-oriented frame of reference, I honor the blatant outcry in other instances:  such as the Women’s March on D.C., which promoted a cutting symbol (re: pink pussy hats) in order to get their point across.  A person’s bodily and reproductive rights as a human being deserve such a representation that is powerful enough, even crude enough, to spark the fire and demand change.  Same with nationally-pertinent issues such as gun control and the Black Lives Matter movement.  In this case, as the article was written around relational and social injustice, pertaining to multigenerational oppression of patriarchally-informed gender roles, I find that it would have felt more appropriate had the initial picture presented more of a welcoming illustration of engagement in the topic – while maintaining non-violent, and compassionate communication among all parties.

REPRESENTATION
As I stated before, the intention behind the essay is one which makes positive sense to me.  Though, based on what I have found out about Hartley, you can’t help but notice that it was written from the perspective of a cisgender, Caucasian, middle-class woman, married in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship (*please submit to me any and all corrections to items listed*).  I do realize there are many other women who share identical parameters – including yours truly – and thus they relate to Hartley.  And while I do not list the author’s identifiers here so as to indicate that she would at all be unqualified to write a piece around this important topic, I can’t help but ask:  What about the countless others outside of these markers?  What does the display of egalitarianism look like within a gay relationship?  With two women?  With two men?  What of the polyamorous couple?  What of the biracial couple?  Would the expressed frustrations of deeply oppressive societal expectations be as evident?  And if not:  does that imply that another couple outside of Hartley’s experiential lens does not endure similar kinds of exhaustion from deciding who is presumed to be “household manager?”

LINGUISTICS
Intention:  Check.
Tone:  Hmm ….

Hartley explores her own annoyance as she continues “having to ask” her husband about a box left in the middle of the floor, and that being “manager of the household was a lot of thankless work.”  My question is:  What kind of communication style has been established (perhaps subconsciously) with her spouse?  Has it changed as their roles developed over time?  Does she suggest that their marital discord is due strictly to rarely offered Feminism within her husband’s family of origin?

Consider this:  As a couple and their status develops, i.e. shifting from boyfriend/girlfriend –> husband/wife –> mother/father, the relationship becomes increasingly intense and complicated as more years go by, more responsibilities occur, and more people (enter children) become a part of it.  And so, I would argue, that our words and tone with one another also must develop.  Hartley writes, “I tried to tell him that I noticed the box at least 20 times…”  Well, having been someone who has experienced miscommunication in my own marriage (but of course), I can say honestly, that it has taken several years for me not only to acknowledge, but also how to better understand that the language styles between myself and husband are innately quite different.  And thus, words and tone I use with him will presumably be different than words and tone I use with friends/sisters/coworkers/strangers, etc.  Not better, not worse, but different.  Kind, but different.

Point being, that if I “try” to tell him something over and over again, of course I become be agitated.  I mean, I have 2 young kids – I repeat myself enough as it is.

And, just like with other children, sometimes the repeating of oneself to kids is due to distraction, peers, and other developmental stage issues.  Clinically, we may also explore with families and school administration the repetition issue is by way of a learning disability in comprehension and responding back (or not responding).  Not just because the difficulty happens with a son over a daughter.  I cannot surmise that the only reasons for my husband’s differences of opinion or structure of parenting are due to his childhood upbringing, compounded by an engrained societal protection of being a man in America.  Sounds fairly limited to me – even as I recognize that there is likely some of that happening!  But, what if instead, I can recognize the incredible possibility that he and I simply have our own ways of expressing, parenting, cleaning, etc – out of preference?  Especially as our relationship dynamics have shifted?

Example:  I, for one, have always been neat.  I enjoy things in order and put away.  I presumed as I took on the role “Mother,” I would let go of that neurosis, and be all ‘casual and free-flying’ with messes.  WRONG.  I am still just as nit-picky on myself about cleanliness.  And this preference influences the way my spouse and kids maintain cleanliness in the home.  What if your partner doesn’t mind the mess in the home, because he is simply more ‘casual and free-flying?  What if he takes care of kitchen dishes in a different way?  The laundry?  The yardwork?  What if instead, we focus on modeling to our children that even with all of the differences between us, as a couple we can still speak to and with one another, support one another and the household, without condescension or passive-aggressive tendencies?

THIS:  “Even having a conversation about the imbalance of emotional labor becomes emotional labor. It gets to a point where I have to weigh the benefits of getting my husband to understand my frustration against the compounded emotional labor of doing so in a way that won’t end in us fighting. Usually I let it slide, reminding myself that I’m lucky to have a partner who willingly complies to any task I decide to assign to him.”

Well, which is it?  I don’t feel like “getting” someone to understand me or my feelings either – that is absolutely exhausting.  And, truthfully, I don’t believe it’s my husband’s or anyone else’s job to “get and understand” me or my feelings – that’s my job.  To build and be at peace with myself.  Some will say, “the world is a mirror.”  If that’s true, when facing resistance from your partner, where in yourself does that resistance live?  I think Hartley attempts to express her disdain for the lack of equality in her household’s chores/emotional effort because of societal oppression – but the message for me gets muddled when the delivery comes off superior and patronizing.

Maybe I’m coming to it ultimately from my background in Marriage and Family Therapy.  I guess more than anything, I really want to boil down her expressed dissension to interpersonal and communication barriers between she and her spouse, specifically.  And even through counseling, much of a couple’s treatment can be approached through an inherently Feminist lens.  In the excerpt provided above, I find that Hartley’s conflicting stance is revealed:  she wants egalitarianism, initiative from her spouse, and empowerment – though seems to celebrate a personal identity and honor in being called “Household Manager.”  The term shows up a few places in the article, and at times she seems irritated by its very label, including the weight she bears in trying to model otherwise for her children, but early on she writes about a time trying to “gingerly explain” that she is Manager to her husband.  So, which is it?  Does she ascribe to this term, or want to diminish it?  Should we harp on a different woman’s choice in enjoying her sense of character as “Manager?”  What if I, as Wife and Mom, feel rather fulfilled by the role Manager, with most of the emotional tasks dependent on me?  Hartley herself comments that that there are types of emotional labor that she feels more versed in.

I believe much more change happens, when it’s chunked down into small steps along the way.  Perhaps the way you and your significant other (“S.O.” being the hip acronym these days) could engage in this dialogue.  The way each of us express/feel love in the literal, physical, intellectual, and emotional ways, varies greatly.  Let’s give our partners the benefit of the doubt and include them (not berate them) into our narratives.  If I want/need something from my husband, can I find a way to ask without blaming or pointing a finger?  In the article, another woman relays, “My partner feels irritated and defensive by the fact that I’m always pointing out what he’s not doing. It shuts him down” and right after, “I haven’t figured out another way to make him aware of all the emotional and mental energy I’m spending to keep the house running.”

Find a way.

Use a therapist or a coach to help build communication practices.  Read books on relationships from other specialists, like Gary Chapman’s, “The 5 Love Languages.”  From a Self-Care perspective, yes, vent to your friends, that’s partly what they’re around for.  Write.  Walk in the woods and think on your feelings and experiences.  Please do not continue pointing out whatever your partner is “not doing.”  Compliment them when something is done to your liking.  Express appreciation outright and out of the blue, just because, including in front of other people.  If your S.O. shares, “if you tell me, I will help,” explore the possibility that is the way your partner needs to hear that you want help.  It can’t always be about laziness or lack of initiative.  It can’t always be about the way in which our S.O. was raised.

And I know, not everyone will be on the same side of my response to this piece.  But it’s really not about sides at all – even from Hartley.  She offers her genuine experience and exposé of her struggles among patriarchy, and seeking equality of parts shared in her home.  An undertaking quite honorable.  I find it valuable to continue facing difficulties with interpersonal relationships as a mass group, writing and blogging out ideas to which others can relate.  This elicits connection and generates good knowledge.  But I would venture to say, it is possible that with directness and kindness, we can model to our children, with the same fortitude, stronger and more equivalent levels of duties and love, in heart and home.  Raising the next generation to be fiercely independent, driven, open, and mindful takes so much energy.  It takes so much knowledge that I haven’t even come across, as my husband and I can only parent one day at a time.  But together, as a team – sometimes split as 80/20, sometimes 60/40, sometimes 50/50 – we are 100% committed to doing so.

“Sometimes it’s the people no one imagines anything of, who do the things that no one can imagine.”  

Several of you may have seen the film The Imitation Game, directed by Morten Tyldum, which was released back in 2015.  My husband and I just watched it last night.  The movie, based partly on the biography of Alan Turing’s life, was wonderfully written, cast, and portrayed.  At least by our very non-movie-critic minds and hearts.  The above quote, in particular, seemed to resonate with us both.

It’s not the first time that we have heard something sort of like this.  Especially as we raise our two children, we highlight for them (and find articles to back up) the benefits in “being bold,” “staying weird,” and “living originally.”  It’s no surprise this works for many parents, teachers, caregivers, and so on, as the most bold/weird/original savants/and so on of our time, along with the generations before, tend to fulfill the wonderment of eccentricity and awe (e.g. Picasso, Einstein, Pollock, Mozart, Gaga, Winehouse, and so on, to name a very selected few).  Not to decree that success equates exactly to fame, or vice versa.  Though the very empowered experience of exploring one’s uniqueness as strength — no matter the outcome of your job/schooling/status/and so on — is a lesson I would argue that we present to any of our children, and friends, and coworkers, and so on … you get the idea here.

This seems to be an interesting topic for revisiting, but I simply wanted to speak to the wildness and simplicity of how deeply this quote stays with me.  Personally, it correlates with living authentically; which, arguably, is one of the most vulnerable and brave efforts we can make as a Human Being.  Among all the distraction and noise and frustration (and so on) — being exactly who we are, in part by engaging with those who support that very Self — well, that’s the most imaginative and important work of all.  Make your art.  The world truly needs it.

With love, kindness, and so on …

Well, it’s been a little while since I wrote – on account of many things.  We last left off with a full(er) post regarding my misstep with schooling and licensure.  Problem not exactly averted, but has been worked on, so all is well there.  Then I wrote a blip of information on my journey in updating this website at the end of July.  …  Hmm … Let’s just say this website stuff is no joke!  And not a personal strong suit.  Hesitant to hire any tech support quite yet ;-D although I’m not counting it out.  Plus, since I shifted my WordPress account while garnering support with Bluehost … well … things just seem more complicated than ever in a digital sense.

Although, I encourage you to check out my tabs with important info on where I practice counseling and teach yoga.  Including forms that would be important were you and your family to be a future client / student within these domains!

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It’s been about 6 weeks of many feelings – many, as Carl Jung quotes, “human feelings” – and not solely due to work.  My daughter began Kindergarten yesterday, and surrounding my own struggles in parenting, I was sure I would be more than thrilled to have her venture out into this new world.  She has always brought it upon herself and belonged to a rich sense of reliability and routine (thanks to her mama), even when her exploration is first met with quiet observation.  Sly smiles, a dipped chin, and slight inward turns of her ankles during inaugural picture-taking proved positive that she was rather tempted – though not fully certain of what her academic experience would be like.  Well, I held my own up until the symbolic ‘bell’ rang and all the teachers turned ’round.  They gathered all the classes and headed towards the doors at 9am.  “Why is she walking away from me?!” my internal self screamed.  “Why did I choose to put mascara on this morning?”

As she follows the line, her smile widens – you can tell by the way her ears and ponytail rise up – and, as if she couldn’t predict her mother any better, she turns around to look for her parents’ faces, waving goodbye ever-so-proudly at her Papa and Mama.  Thankfully, she can’t see the makeup smeared across my cheeks as I had already slipped on my sunglasses.  My husband giggles, and I offer a soft smack on his shoulder.  “Of all Mamas,” he ponders, “Really?”

It is truly a tease, his question.  I mentioned above my struggles in parenting.  Not my most natural state as it turns out.  That which I have found to be quite comforting has been the space I grant myself from my children, much of the time.  To a few, this may seem selfish, but I honor now what works for my family and my most optimal style of mothering.  Attending to my self-care practices such as: yoga, nature walks, drinking coffee, and visiting with friends is crucial.  Constant dress-up, fake tea parties, and dried-up Playdoh – I could have played with these and also Barbies for hours on end younger, with my sisters.  Not my forte as an adult.  Today, I practically wince at all-things-pink if my oldest receives them as gifts.  But, I’m softening there, too.

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Then there is the beginnings anew of private practice.  The new office location is beautiful.

 

Is it in the beauty of the office that garners excitement?  Not that alone – but it helps when the light and décor is aesthetically pleasing.  Relaxing.  It’s been several professional shifts that I have made in my life, but this adventure feels so assured.  As of September 1, we’re open and available, awaiting and feeling gleeful about local networking and community love in our small area of the world.  Despite leaving what has been a blessed experience with the Center for Families and Relationships (at least for now), I don’t believe I ever have felt more empowered and thus prepared for making this leap of faith.  Fear and ambivalence?  Sweeping.  Commitment and self-belief?  Enduring.

Maybe it was all so right that it happened now.  Not quite fate, but I can really feel the energy and pleasantry of our next steps happening together, side-by-side.  That is, my daughter’s schooling and personal reflections on my own such support systems.  May she – and any of your children as well – connect and resonate with future mentors and educators.  They do help clear some of the brush, and make paths to our dreams seem most possible.  To my own Kindergarten teacher, from many moons ago, Ms. Roelofs – wherever you are, thank you.

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“One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings.  The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child.”
[Carl Jung]

Hi all!  Long time no see – quite literally.  I transferred my website to a new host (after sparked conversation with one of my sisters regarding content ownership), and voila!  All was lost.  Well.  Not really.  I was able to export/import my old posts into the new site, but that was when I came to a halt.  Things slowed down so much, that navigating the new editing tools and set up of the site – including all the “Internal 500 Server Error” messages that tend to agitate … so it was time to publish what I have, and make updates as I go.

So you’ll see new things added to the site.  In addition to my blog posts (which need significantly more submissions!), I have added tabs that include both my Yoga and Therapy fields in which I work.  Please explore.  Please bear with me.  Please continue to visit, and as always – thank you for your time.

Feel free to email me with personal questions at:  embodyedtides@gmail.com